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A
man walked into a golf pro-shop with a
gorilla. "Is anyone Interested
in a little wager?" he said, flashing some
large pound notes around. "I've got £500.
Pounds here that says my gorilla can hit the
ball
longer and straighter than anybody here at this
club. In fact,
he hits it 500 yards...
Right down the middle, every
time!"
Everyone
in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment
the newest
pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area
spoke up,
"I have got to see this!" he said.
"You know, what? I'll take you up
on that wager! Meet you on the first tee."
When
they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee
the man led the
gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands,
set a tee in
the ground. The gorilla did the rest.
Sure
enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle
and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came
to rest it was on the green,
6 inches from the cup.
The
pro was astonished. "That's incredible!"
he exclaimed. "How did
you train him to hit the ball like that! There's
no need for me
to tee off. I couldn't beat him with a stick.
Here's your Money."
As
the pro walked off the green, still shaking his
head, he turned
back to the man and said, "Oh, by the way,
how does he putt?"
The
man responded, "just like he drives, 500
yards right down the middle every time."
I attended
a party this past weekend.
After checking out all the well-dressed guests
at the party, I spotted an attractive woman
(standing alone) across the room.
When I approached and asked her name, She coyly
replied... "Carmen."
Trying to maintain some sort of conversation
with her, I responded with "That's a
beautiful name, Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to
myself, because it reflects the things I like
most in the world - cars and men."
Then
she asked, "What's your name?"
"Golf Tits," I replied.
Several
men are in the locker room of a golf club. A
cell phone on a
Bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker function and begins
To talk. Everyone else in the room stops to
listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me.
Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping
centre now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only 1,000. Is it OK
if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if
you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped
by the Mercedes garage and saw the new 2007 models.
I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: 90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that
price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and
one more thing...the house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking
1,950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go
ahead and give them an offer of 1,900,000.
They Will probably take it. If not, we can go
the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty
good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you
later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you,
too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker
room are staring at him in astonishment,
mouths agape. He turns and asks: "Anyone
know who this phone belongs to?"
An
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a
round of golf and their
wives went along as caddies.
While
walking around the course the English man's wife
caught her foot in
a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap
on the ground. Her
skirt was over her head revealing that she
wasn't wearing any
knickers! The Englishman stormed over and
angrily demanded a
reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained,
"you give me so little allowance that I
have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one
notices. "The Englishman thrusts his hand
into his pocket and said,
"Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and
Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes
further along the Irish Man's wife caught her
foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a
heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over
her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he
angrily demanded a reason for her lack of
undergarments. "Well
darling," she explained, "you give me
so little allowance I cannot afford to buy
undergarments." With that the Irish man
thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and
get some knickers."
Three
holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught
her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and
landed with her skirt over her head revealing
that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation
to her irate husband was the same as the others:
Simply a lack of allowance. The
Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and
said,
"Here's a comb. The
least you can do is tidy yourself up a
bit."
A
husband reluctantly agreed to play with
his wife in the mixed green some at
his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par
four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the
middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball,
the husband said to his wife "Just hit it
toward the green, anywhere around there will
be fine."
The
wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the
woods. Undaunted, the husband said
"That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent
the full five minutes looking for the ball. He
found it just in time, but in a horrible
position. He played the shot of his life to
get the ball within two feet of the hole. He
told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife
then proceeded to knock the ball off the green
and into a bunker.
Still
maintaining composure, the husband summoned
all of his skill and holed the shot from the
bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and,
while walking off the green, put his arm
around his wife and calmly said, "Honey,
that was a bogey, and that's OK, but I think
we can do better on the next hole."
To
which she replied, "Listen , don't blame
me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."
A
couple of old guys were golfing when one said he
was going to the dentist Dr ching for a new
set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same
dentist a few years before. "Is that
so?" the first said. "Did he do a good
job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when
the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a
shot," he said. "The ball must have
been going 200 mph when it hit me in the
stomach. He added, I think it was the
first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt
me"
For
most of the round the golfer had argued with his
caddy about club selection, but the caddy always
prevailed. Finally on the seventeenth hole, a
185-yard par three into the wind, the caddy
handed the golfer a four-wood and the golfer said
"I think it's a three-iron,"
"No, sir it's a four-wood," said the
caddy.
"Nope, it's definitely a three-iron."
So the golfer set up, took the three-iron back
slowly, and struck the ball perfectly. It tore
through the wind, hit softly on the front of the
green, and rolled up two feet short of the pin.
"See," said the caddy. "I told
you it wasn't enough club."
Four
old men were out golfing.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years
go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer
too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I
remember them too," said the third
senior.
The oldest and the wisest of the four of them
87 years old, said,
"Just be thankful we're still on the right
side of the grass!" lads
HEAR
THE ONE ABOUT THE BAD TEMPERED GOLFER
HE
BOUGHT HIMSELF A NEW SET OF BIG BERTHA CLUBS,
AFTER
PLAYING WITH THEM FOR A COUPLE OF ROUNDS,
HE
RETUNED TO THE PRO SHOP, AND SAID TO THE PRO ??
THE
NEW CLUBS I BOUGHT ARE FANTASTIC!
PLUS THEY
ARE THE BEST SET I HAVE EVER
PLAYED WITH, INFACT
I CAN THROW THEM AT LEAST 40 METERS
FURTHER
THAN THE OLD ONES.
Hello,
Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at
your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is
there a problem?"
"well yes, I am just calling to advise you,
Senor, that your dog died."
"My dog? -is Dead? - The one that won the
international competition?"
"is, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small
fortune on that dog. What did he die from?"
"From eating spoiled meat, Senor"
"Spoiled meat? Who the hell fed him spoiled
meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead
horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"Your thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died
from all that work pulling the water cart"
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire,
Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking
about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle
fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the!!! But there's electricity at the
house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"What funeral?!"
"Your brother's, Senor... He showed up one
night out of the blue and I thought he was a
thief, so I hit him with your new Taylor
made Driver."
Silence . . . .
"Ernesto,
if you broke that driver you're in deep trouble
!!!!!!!!
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Don't buy a
putter until you've had a chance toThrow it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate
thoughts
In your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard,
You can either hit one more club or two
moreBalls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the
Green while the foursome ahead of you is still
Putting out, you have two options: you can
Immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until
The green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he
Is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always
Possible to play worse.
A golf match is a test of your skill against
your
Opponents''s luck.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he
Breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun
Of his own haircut.
The shortest distance between any two points on
a
Golf course is a straight line that passes
Directly through the center of a very large
tree.
There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces
And bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time
And a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
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