|
A
husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing
as well as they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The
husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, You are
gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" Asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replies, "just like
you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250
yards straight down the fairway.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her
swing, he says, "No, no, no, You're gripping the clubway too
hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's
penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway, about 3 feet.
"That was great," the pro says, "Nice and gentle. Now
take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed
to."
|
|
 |
|
A
married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day
they went
to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they
fell asleep and
woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover
to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his
shoes and drove home.
Where have
you been?" his wife demanded. I
can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair
with my secretary. We
had sex all afternoon." She
looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!
You've been playing
golf!"
A
young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she
suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she
decided
to return to the clubhouse for help... .
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back in so early? What's wrong.”
“I was stung by a bee," she said. “Where,"
he asked
“Between the first and second hole," she replied He
nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is a lot to
wide."
Golf can
best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured
by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left
and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top
of that, the winner buys the drinks.
"I wish I could play my normal game...just once."
"Golf is harder than tennis. In golf, you have to play
your foul balls."
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the
snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your
life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the
shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the
phrase "maul it again."
A "gimme" can best be
defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of
whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly
you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and
slice it and shank it, hit into all the bunkers and miss
every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at
all you really play bad.
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't
play.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme
putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.
Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only
important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached
after you've reached it.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is
you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it
won't work . and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add
correctly.
In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the
numbers... they shoot a six, yell fore and write five.
If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in
the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally
wrong and your personality might not be right for golf.
Why is
it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than
sand?
"The greatest sound in golf is Woosh, of
your opponent's club as he hurls it across the
fairway"
These
three guys (two younger and one older)
always go golfing together
every Sunday morning. They're just about to
get up on the
tee when the club pro walks up and tells
them that there's a woman
who is golfing by herself and he asks if
they would mind if she
played along with them. They
thought about it and reluctantly
said "Sure, no problem."
They
were hoping the woman wouldn't slow up their
game but once they
start playing they soon realize that she is
a hell of a golfer.
Better, in fact, than each of them. Not only
that, she's extremely
attractive as well. They
get to the 18th tee and she is one under
par. They are all on
the green and she has a 20 footer for par.
She tells the three men, "You
guys have been gentlemen through the whole
round by letting me
play and not giving me a hard time because
I'm the only woman. This
is the first time I'll have ever broken
par, and to show my appreciation,
whichever one of you can show me the right
line to make
this putt, will let you have your way
with me , !!!
The
first young guy looks real hard and says,
"I think it's on the left edge."
The
second young guy looks even harder and says,
"No, I think it's
a little to the right edge."
The
older guy walks over and picks up the ball,
tosses it to the woman
and says, "It's a gimmie."
|
|
|