One
Autumn Saturday morning a golfer gets up at
5:00 AM, dresses quietly, puts on his
golf gear, grabs his clubs from the closet and goes
to the garage to head out to his favorite golf
course.
Coming out of his garage, he is pounded by a
torrential downpour of rain. It's
freezing, there is snow mixed in with the
rain, and a hard wind is blowing with
50 mph
. gusts.
He retreats back into the garage and, in
disgust, returns to the house and turns
the TV on to the weather channel. He finds
it's going to be bad weather all day
long, so he puts his clubs back in the closet,
quietly undresses, and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back,
now with a different kind of anticipation, and
whispers: "The weather out there is
terrible!"
To which she sleepily replies: "Can
you believe my stupid husband is out
golfing in that shit."
Two
golfing friends were about to tee off, when
one fellow noticed
that his partner had only one golf ball in
his bag.
"Don't
you have at least one other ball?", he
asked.
"Nope,
I only need one ball."
"Are
you sure? What happens if you lose that one?
This
is a very special golf ball. You can't lose
it, so I don't need
another one."
"What
do you mean you can't lose it! What happens
if you slice your
shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's
okay, this special golf ball senses when
it's under water and
it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able
to retrieve it.
You
can't lose this ball"
"Well
what happens if you hit it into the long
rough?"
"No
problem, you see, this ball can detect the
long grass and it sends
up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able
to see it
easily.
You can't lose this ball"
Exasperated,
the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our
game goes late,
the sun goes down, and you hit your ball
deep into the
trees
and it gets lost among the bushes and
shrubs?. What are you going
to do then?"
"That's
okay too. You see, this special ball can
sense the darkness
and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able
to get it
back
- no problem."
Finally
satisfied that he needs only the one amazing
golf ball, the
friend asks,
"Hey,
where did you get a golf ball like that
anyway?"
"I
found it.
A
murder has been committed. Police
are called to an apartment and find a man
standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands,
looking at the lifeless body of a woman on
the floor.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your
wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf
club?"
"Yes, yes, I did."
The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and
puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?"
the detective asked
"I don't know. Five, six,
seven times, may have been a lot
more, but just put me down for a five."
please !!!
A
man was walking down the street when he was
accosted by a particularly dirty and
shabby-looking homeless man who asked him
for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten
dollars and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy beer with it instead of
dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years
ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead
of buying food?" the man asked.
"No,
I don't waste time fishing," the
homeless man said. "I need to spend all
my time trying to stay alive."
"Will
you spend this on greens fees at a golf
course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are
you NUTS!" replied the homeless man.
"I haven't played golf in 20
years!"
"Will
you spend the money on a woman in the red
light district instead of food?" the
man asked.
"What
disease would I get for ten lousy
bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well,"
said the man, "I'm not going to give
you the money. Instead, I'm going to take
you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my
wife."
The
homeless man was astounded. "Won't your
wife be furious with you for doing that? I
know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's
important for her to see what a man looks
like after he has given up beer, fishing,
golf, and sex."
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A man and his
friend meet at the club house and decide to
play around of golf together.
The man has a little dog with him and on the
first green, when the man holes out a 20
foot putt, the little dog starts to bark and
stands up on its hind legs and walks in
circles.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever
trick and says, "Wow, that dog is
really talented! What does he do if you miss
a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend,
"That's incredible. How many does he
do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That
depends on how hard I kick him."