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An 80 year old man went to the doctor
for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the
man was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you
attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer
& that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up
well before daylight and out golfing up and
down the fairways.
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure
that helps, but there's got to be more to it than
that !!! How old was your dad when he died? he
asked ?
The old timer said, "Who said my
dad's dead?
The doctor said, "You
mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old
is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs
old and, in fact, he golfed with me this
morning...and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's
great, but I'm sure There's more to it than that?
How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my
grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean
you're 80 years old and your grand-father's still living! How
old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years
old."
The doctor was getting
frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No...not this
time... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he
got married."
The doctor said in amazement,
"Got married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he
wanted to get married"?
A young man who was also an avid
golfer, found himself with a few hours
to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played
very fast, he could get in 9 holes
before he had to head home. Just
as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could
accompany the young man as he was golfing
alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent
to join him.
To his surprise the old man played
fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste
much time. Finally,
they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in
front of his ball - and directly
between his ball and the green. After
several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man
finally said,
"You know, when I was your age
I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him,
the youngster swung hard, hit
the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and
it thudded back on the ground not a
foot from where it had originally
lay.
The old man offered one more comment,
"Of course, when I was your age
that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Four
ladies came into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
They were all a little bit
exhausted.
The pro asked, "Did you ladies have a good game Today?"
The first lady said, "Oh,
yes thank you I had three riders today."
The second lady said, "I had
the most riders ever. I had five."
The third lady said, "I did
about the same. I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last lady said, "I beat
my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren't
you proud of me?"
After they went into the ladies locker room. An elderly
golfer that had heard the
ladies telling of their game went to the pro and said, "I
have been playing golf for
40 years and thought I knew all the golf terminology
there was in the game,
can you please tell me what s a rider is?
Your going to love this said the pro!
"A rider is when you hit the ball far enough
to get in the golf cart
and ride to it."
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave
hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty
yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he
ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a
little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it
took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have
done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest
of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your
toast for the rest of your life......As a matter of fact,
you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your
life!"
Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his
friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy
willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of
God, DON'T SWING!"
Taking
a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes
into
an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who
the golf pro
was "Top o' the mornin to ya".
As
Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So
what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're
called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires
the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I
drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw,
Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant.
"Those
fellas at Mercedes think of everything...
Two ladies were put together in a club tournament
and met for
the first time on the practice ground
after the
introductions, the first golfer said
"can I ask
you what your handicap is please",
the other woman replied "I am a scratch golfer"
"really" the
other one said, "I am so happy to be paired up with you
the" first
one said "yes, I write down all the good scores
and scratch
the others out".
A very keen but not so good golfer plays the same course three times a week but
always on the 14th hole hits his ball in the water
so he changes his
new ball for an old one just then he hears a voice from above saying "use
your new ball this time" thinking
that’s got to be good advice from above he
changes it back to the new ball then
the voice said "before you hit the ball take a couple of practice swings please" so
that’s what he did then
the voice said "play
the old one"!
A
Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and
enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee
and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said
"Shit, I missed."
The
good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep
swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the
4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is
going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning
comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her
tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice ....... Shit, I
missed."
Three golfers,
Bob, Max, and Ted, are looking for a fourth. Bob
mentions that his friend
George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide
to invite him for the following Saturday.
"Sure, I'd love to
play," says George, "but I may be about ten
minutes late, so wait for
me."
Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at
9:00, and find
George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed,
and beats them all. Quite
pleased with their new fourth, they ask him
if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.
"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But, I
may be about ten minutes
late, so wait for me."
The following Saturday, all four golfers again show up on
time, and find
George already waiting for them, but this time George plays
left-handed, and beats them all. As they're
getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next
Saturday. But, I may be about
ten minutes late, so wait for me."
Every week from then on, George is right on time and plays
great with
whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs
with the same message.
After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine,
so he says,
"Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be
about ten
minutes late, but you're right on time and then you beat us
either left-handed or
right-handed. What's the story?"
"Well,"
George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up
in the
morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left
side, I play left-handed, and
if she's on her right side, I play right-handed."
"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?"
Bob asks.
"Then I'm
about ten minutes late."
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