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During
the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the
importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to
get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of
the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay
if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
An
avid golfer goes to see a fortune teller to enquire if there
are any golf courses in heaven. "I have good news and bad
news" she tells the golfer. "Whats the good
news?" asks the golfer "The good news sir is that
the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better
than anything you have ever seen on earth." "Whats
the bad news then?" he asks "You have a tee time at
8:30 tomorrow morning."
4
guys are discussing how they get their wives to let them play
golf every Sunday morning. The first says "Every Saturday
night I take my wife out to an expensive dinner". The
second says "Every Saturday I clean the house for my
wife". The third says "Every Saturday I let my wife
go shopping and she can buy whatever she wants". The
fourth guy just looks at the other three and just shakes his
head. "You guys go it all wrong." On Sunday morning
I get up at 5:00am, shake my wife and say golf course or
intercourse?
A
golfer in a foursome was playing an extremely tough hole one
summer day. He was making a very tricky putt as a funeral
procession was going by. He holed out the shot anyway.
Afterwards his partner said "You must have nerves of
steel to sink such a tricky putt while that funeral was going
by." "Yes, we would have been married 25 years today
if she was still alive."
There
was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards
long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway .. a
streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a
gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy .. isn't
that Dick Green?" "No" replied another, "I
think it's a reflection of the grass!"
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A
man was invited to play at his friend’s course and during
the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the
toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was
unobserved. However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members
were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe
just a very private part of a man’s anatomy protruding from
around the tree. He’s certainly not my husband, I can tell,
said the first lady, Disgusting - I’m glad he’s not mine
either, said the second lady. It really is a damned cheek,
said the third. That’s not even a club member
Fred
had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he
played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when
he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve
and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt
obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a
calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul
language." "I guess not, said Fred, "what the
hell do they have to cuss about?"
A
couple of women were playing golf one sunny afternoon. The
first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as the
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
hole. Sure enough, the ball hit one of the guys, and he
immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to
the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman
rushed over and immediately began to apologize. She then
explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to
help ease his pain. "Ummph, ooh, nnooo, I'll be
alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as
he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands
together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally
allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and
laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands
inside, beginning to massage him."Does that feel
better?", she asked."Ohhh, Yeah....It feels *really*
great", he replied,"But my thumb still hurts like
hell!"
An
older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They
are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt
that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her
husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose
the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming,
" I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That
putt was no longer than my 'willy'." The wife just looked
over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but
it was much harder!"
After
an enjoyable eighteen hole of golf, a man stopped in a bar for
a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation
with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks,
liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her
apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love. On
the way home, the the man's conscience started bothering him
something awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this
unplanned indiscretion to ruin their reationship, so he
decided the only thing to do was come clean.
"Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a
confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by
the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her
apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it
won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me."
His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you
sorry scumbag! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"
A
pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which
he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat
tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit
exasperated by the poor play of his employer. At one point the
ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer
sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you
think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie
replied, "Eventually.
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