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The
owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help. He called her into his office and said
"You graduated from the University of Georgia. If I were
to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take
off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
Three
guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and
hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says,
"What did I do wrong?" The pro says,
"Loft." The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook
into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do
wrong?" The pro says "Loft." The third guy tees
off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What
did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." As
they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks
up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely
different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong
you answered the same exact answer each time. What is
loft?" The pro says, "Lack Of Fricking Talent."
TOP TEN THINGS THAT
SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be
desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!
Tiger
Woods drives his Volvo into a Petrol Station in Cork during
his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a
typical Irish manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is,
"Top o the morning to you young fella!" As Tiger
leans over to get out of the car two tees fall out of his top
pocket onto the ground. "What are dey son?" asks the
attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger
Woods. "And what would dey be for then?" enquires
the Irish man. "They're for resting my balls on while I'm
driving" says Tiger Woods. "Jaysus", says the
Irish man, "Dem boys at Volvo just tink of everyting!"
Two
friends were playing golf one day. They decided they would
adhere strictly to the rules with no improving their lie.
After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a cart path.
As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief
his friend said, "We agreed that we would not improve our lie." No
matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was
entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it. So the man went to the cart to get a club.
As he stood over the ball he took a few practice
swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking
out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The
ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the
pin. "Great
shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you
use?" "Your
7-iron!" he replied.
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