Golf Jokes

Golf Jokes Second Edition (Page Six)

Golf Jokes
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NEW GOLF SHOT TERMS........

 

A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.

A 'Yasser Arafat' - very ugly and in the sand.

A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.

An 'O.J.' - got away with one.

A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.

A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.

A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.

A 'Brazilian' - just saved the hole

'Nancy Pelosi' - way off to the left and out of bounds.

A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.

A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.

A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.

A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.

An 'Anne Heche' - a putt that could go either way.

A 'Kate Winslet' - a shot that is a little fat, but otherwise perfect.

 

Poor Tiger ... you had to know that these were coming. 

 One:
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
Two:
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards. 
Three:
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
Four:
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing
Five:
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
Six:
Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
Seven:
This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards
Eight:
Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
Nine:
After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree
Ten:
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly… but put me down for a 5."

Eleven
:

Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on
how to beat Tiger!

 

 

 

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

 
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.  
 
' NO S***.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

 


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