Two women were playing golf. one teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole, the ball hit one of the men. he  immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in  agony. 
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me 'she told him. oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, the man  replied. 
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his  hands together at his groin,  At her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help. 
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.  She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and  asked, how does that feel? he replied, It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents  luck. counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than It does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, & eat hot dogs  when you perform brain surgery. 

Well, I have never played this badly before !I didn't realize you had played before, Sir

Caddy, Do you think my game is improving? Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to do.

Lady golfer: "Notice any improvement today, Jimmy?" Caddie: "Yes, ma'am. You've had your hair done."

Tiger Woods was teeing up on the first hole of the Open championship, he hit his first shot and it sliced to the right. His next shot was no better, again he sliced it right. Feeling disgruntled, he jokingly asked if anyone could prevent him from making the ball go right, and to his surprise a little old lady pushed her way to the front of the crowd and said she had some magic powder that would stop his shots going right. Tiger was a bit dubious about this, but thought he would have nothing to lose. He teed up the ball and the little old lady sprinkled this magic powder onto the ball. Tiger took his shot and it went 320 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. Tiger was impressed. He lined up his next shot and again the little old lady sprinkled the magic powder on to his ball. Again it flew straight as an arrow and finished two feet from the flag. Tiger was amazed at this and asked the little old lady what the magic powder was. "It's Daz" said the little old lady. "Daz!!" exclaimed Tiger. "Yes Daz" said the little old lady,"Apparently it stops colours from fading !"

I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course," sighed mike, the golfer. "Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth." 

Bill and Ralph step up to the first tee box. Bill says, "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" Ralph replies enthusiastically, "What a great trade in!"